This month was good. Not good in the sense that it was easy. It felt like discipline. The first few mornings that I fasted it amazed me all over again how psychologically dependent I am upon food. I woke up with the desire to just keep sleeping if I couldn't get up and have breakfast. I realized quickly that was a horrible mindset that completely undermined the point of fasting. But when I did get up I started cleaning, organizing, writing grocery lists, writing to-do lists, etc. It was as if I wanted to do anything but sit quietly and actually acknowledge my hunger and seek God in the midst of it. So from that point on, every time I fasted from a meal, I reminded myself to keep the perspective that I was withholding from taking food for the purpose of feeding on a spiritual meal. So I made sure I sat still and acknowledged my hunger and told God that I would rather feed on His word right now. So my morning fasts felt good. My 24 hour fast wasn't so great. It wasn't horrible. 12 hours in I felt weak and tired and had a headache. But I think what makes me feel like fasting for longer periods of time is pointless is I've never felt spiritually filled on longer fasts. I've just felt weakness. I haven't felt a deeper hunger for God, I've just felt brain-dead. So I think... what's the point? Maybe the point is simply to feel weakness? To be humbled? I don't know. I want to keep up with morning fasts on a regular basis. But as for longer fasts... I think I need to pray about that and seek God's perspective in it.

One Time. (:

One time I joined a blog group. One time I thought I could keep up with life’s craziness. One time I really thought it was all possible. One time was August. That one time in August happened to be before a full course load of 5 classes and a weekly placement took up my academic life. That one time in August also happened to be before I took on a Student Council position at my school and a part time position working for the school. That one time in August also happened to be a time when I signed up with a group of friends to take on an Inductive Bible Study series on Philippians and Colossians. One time it all seemed manageable. So why not throw in a personal study aspect to my fall semester that was bound to be great? I was certain that taking on the study of spiritual disciplines would be a great “dare” as I shared in my first (and so far last) post. I dared myself to do, do more. Too much more? 

I am not sharing the above information to gloat or seek pity about the “full schedule” of my life. It’s all about what I collected on my plate that may have been a little much for the time.

Taking on this study was really beneficial at first. I began with the discipline of prayer and spent daily time before bed praying for people in my life. People from my childhood, people from all over really…Every night I would pray for five different people, wherever they were, whatever they were doing. And I really benefited from this. I began to think outside of the box. How could I pray for someone who I really didn’t know anymore? I really sought to think deeper and explore the power of prayer and the humbling experience it really is. 

Month two was going to be memorization/meditation, and this began with good intentions to focus on a key verse per week that I was going to memorize; but by the end of that first week the novelty seemed to fade away. Since then I have really not centered in on any particular discipline.

I tried to justify my “wandering” away from the spiritual discipline journey, and I really could find no sound argument for myself. “You just bit off more than you could chew” I would tell myself. But did I really? Did I really bite off so much in my life that I couldn’t find time to sit down and even reflect on a discipline? Having time to scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook daily for about 30 minutes seems to be a necessity in my life. If I could spend time on Facebook, then why couldn’t I spend time even digging deeper into God’s word. What makes social media so great that society feels the need to push old school disciplines out of the way? These thoughts have really begun to convict me. Convict me of going with the motions of what others are doing around me. Facebook has become the norm, and if energy and time is put into all of these online endeavors, what is left at the end of the day when I bow my head to pray and thank God for the wonders in my life?

I am really curious to monitor where my time is spent. Who it is spent with, and why I am spending my time doing the things that I am doing. Life is like an hourglass, and the sand is trickling through. 30 minutes on a Facebook newsfeed, or 30 minute face to face conversations with someone who needs Christ. I can tell myself that Facebook helps me keep up with what my friends around the world are doing. But is that really the tool I need? A speaker at a conference once said, “Discipline forms Reflex” In society people are being raised to be disciplined to social media and networking, but I have really reflected and discovered that I don’t want my life to be disciplined to the pattern of this world but to seeking God and his will for my life through any means possible.

Right now, I truly feel convicted in regards to spending time in the word of God. Meditating and Studying it. And although my spiritual discipline journey is quite a bit different than others, I sense the next four or five months to be an underwater diving into Christ and his word for me. I have a friend that I have spoken to about accountability in this area, and I am excited to see God use this discipline in my life. I am grateful for the network of great Christian friends I have around me to help spur me on to complete the race, and to continue to dare myself to do.

Fasting

Phew. This month has been so different than the previous two as far as spiritual disciplines are concerned!

I felt a small sense of relief when November arrived. Fasting was something tangible. I could actually make sure that I fasted as opposed to hopelessly trying to get my thoughts to settle and meditate on scripture each week. I thought the month would be fairly easy.

Was I ever wrong!!

My first day of fasting came with much anticipation. I was excited and packed my Bible and journal in my bag to make sure I used up any extra time in the word and in prayer. Yet, schedule changes made it so I had no time all day.

In the evening I was irritable and less patient with my husband. He asked if it had to do with my fasting. I broke down in tears. I said yes. My head hurt. I was hungry. And I didn't even get extra time in prayer and the scriptures.

I have had consistent issues with headaches in the past, so I've always used that as an excuse to avoid fasting. But, this month I wanted to tackle it. I knew it'd be difficult to make it through the day skipping two meals, but I thought it would be worth it.

However, as headaches have hit, I've begun to wonder what's the point? I've tried sticking to a strict fast, but have learned that maybe sticking to the letter of the law (once again!!) defeats the purpose of the spirit of the law. Maybe I could switch to a vegetables and water diet when I'm fasting? Maybe I could include soup once a day? Maybe, maybe, maybe. When these suggestions pop up, I inevitably feel like a failure. I feel that I've failed to "complete" the task at hand. I feel like I've shrunk away from the challenge and have instead opted for something easier.

And so defeat slinks in and I want to throw my hands up in the air and wonder why I fast at all!!

Yet, I want to continue to fast (admittedly, perhaps a variation of fasting). I believe I'll see changes in my spiritual life through the continual and consistent practice of fasting... not through a haphazard, once-in-a-blue-moon kind of way.

October - Evangelism

At the beginning of the month of October I knew my spiritual discipline was going to be Evangelism - but I had no idea what that was going to look like.

I decided that before I could preach the gospel to others I had to first preach it to myself. So everyday of the month I had decided to read an excerpt from "A Gospel Primer for Christians" - each day it re-iterates the gospel and explores different aspects of God's beautiful and glorious truth of salvation. Oh how blessed and undeserving we are of the good news of Jesus Christ!

Yet after the first week of October I started to grow frustrated with myself - how on earth was I going to start sharing the gospel with people other than myself. Since my dad's death I had not actively pushed myself to go out and share the gospel to the people around me - I felt overwhelmed not knowing where to start. Well prayer of course prayer is where you start - and boy did I start to see God at work!

To give you a background to this blog post: Two weeks after my dad's passing I had applied for a bursary for students studying to be in ministry/education. A month later I found out that I had received the bursary but not only that I found out the bursary had been started in memory of 3 member's of the McCullough family who had died in a car accident. Who but God would provide a bursary like this so soon after my dad's death also from a car accident?

Well early October I received an email from the church affiliated with the bursary asking me to share my story at their Sunday service on Oct.20th. I knew that this was God presenting an opportunity for me to share my story, give glory to God, and present the gospel. As I wrote my testimony I spent time going back through the horrible memories of my dad's death - emotions I had tried so hard to suppress came rushing forward, but I think in my brokeness God used me to write and share my story. That Sunday God gave me the opportunity to stand on the pulpit of a church that I don't even go to and share my brokeness, God's glory, and present the gospel to many of the people in that church who I knew did not know Christ - only God can orchestrate something like that!!

That night a dear friend of mine who does not know the Lord came to spend the night with me. She asked me how the service was and again I was able to share my story with her, and share the gospel with her.

It is only now as I look back on this month that I realize how God used me to share His Good News even though I had felt so useless and unable!

God is able!! I hope this encourages you when your month comes for evangelism!!
Blessings  <3

This month I am focusing on fasting. This is the spiritual discipline that I was least looking forward to. Food, and my desire for it, is one of those secret areas of my heart where only God really knows the struggle I have there. I've been on both ends of the spectrum: consistently turning to food in times of stress to feel some sort of an immediate comfort and numb the real problems, to calorie counting and being preoccupied with "healthiness" and gaining mastery over my comfort eating that way. I think the devil loves this area of my life because it's so subtle. Appearances wouldn't send off red flags to anyone that a problem exists: I've got a pretty average body size being neither overweight nor worryingly skinny. So this little struggle of mine can exist without anyone else suspecting it. And that's a dangerous starting point for me. Because if it were a sin that others could see... I'm certain I'd be a lot quicker and a lot more serious at wanting it gone. And I know that's a serious sin in itself... caring more about appearing godly before other people than fearing God and desiring to be made holy by Him inside and out. I've had periods of my life where I've struggled with it more than others; but its a recurring point of weakness. I've been so blatantly convicted many times when I have put my desire for food over something else God would have me be doing, and I've ignored Him with simple thoughts like, "There's nothing wrong with food", "I don't eat too much, so there's no problem here God, why are you bugging me about this", or I'll tell myself "You're just being a perfectionist, let it go" even when I know that still small voice saying, "Take a look at yourself. What is really Lord of your life right now?". It doesn't matter if I'm within the average weight category, it doesn't matter if I'm not eating any more or less than other women my age, it doesn't matter if I appear healthy, it doesn't matter if everyone else around me is preoccupied with eating, it doesn't matter if the food is free. None of that matters if God has spoken to my heart, asked me to do something, and I have ignored Him. And there have been times where I most certainly have.

I've fasted a handful of times throughout the last four years. I remember the first time I fasted. I didn't make me feel close to God but it did make me feel extremely aware of how far I am from Him. I spent the whole day just thinking about how hungry I was, trying not to think about how hungry I was, watching the clock to see how many hours had gone by. It was very humbling.  

At the start of this month, I used a concordance to look up passages in the bible that talk about fasting. Here are a few summarized: Isaiah 58 talks about true fasting not being a single period of "religiously" humbling yourself but a lifestyle of mercy, justice and love. In Matthew 6:16 Jesus warns not to fast for the appearance of godliness before others but to make it a secret thing between you and God. In Luke 18 fasting is used an an example in a parable of how it, in itself, does not make you righteous or pleasing to God. Matthew 4:2 says that Jesus fasted for 40 days and night before he began his ministry and that he was tempted by the devil when he was hungry and weak. In Acts 14:23 the apostles fasted and prayed when committing elders of the church to God.

This morning I listened to a sermon by James MacDonald entitled "The Discipline of Fasting". It was both convicting and reaffirming in many ways. Here are the main points that stood out to me.

• We have little hunger for God. We will rarely miss a meal but we frequently miss spiritual meals
• We only have so much hunger. We have a finite capacity to hunger for things to satisfy us so why after we expend so much energy on our appearance in the morning, our work throughout the day, our breakfast, lunch and dinner, our entertainment (TV, music, phones, facebook, etc.) do we wonder that we're not hungry for God at the end of the day?
•  Our enslavement to food hinders our hunger for God. My immense agitation when I fast for even small period of time proves the hold that food has on me.
• Fasting breaks our enslavement to food. It humbles us and shows us who we really are.

This is an area of my life that I have needed a lot of grace from God in and I know I will probably continue to need a lot of grace in. I am hoping that this month brings some healing and life and overcoming.

Don't even know what to say

I didn't really do the discipline this month. I was going to do meditation.
I half-heartedly read the book.
I dozed as I meditated on the same verses for the umpteenth time.
I never did two of the things I was going to do weekly.

Have I gained an appreciation for meditation? YES. Because it is an area in which I am in desperate need of grace.

And that's where the good news is!

Just because this month was an epic fail at meditation does not mean that I was an epic fail in the eyes of God. Yes, I would have liked to experience his presence more, gotten lost in each word of scripture instead of the back of my eyelids, ended the month being able to sit on a verse for HOURS. haha.

But, has me failing to do that actually changed who I am in Christ? nope. And that's where I am given even more freedom to praise Him for that!

So, with that being said, I am on to practicing confession for the next month.
I am actually really excited for this month, not just because I was so over meditation like 3 weeks ago, but because I am excited for what God is going to teach me. I'm anticipating it will be hard, and praying for more perseverance this month, but also thanking God that he is faithful even when I am not.
Pray with me that I can rest in his faithfulness and mercy.

A month of prayer... done.

And yet, I hope (and pray!) that it is not done... not done at all. I have learned to be more intentional in prayers, I have gone through the frustration of trying to be more disciplined and still feeling the same results. I have chosen to continue praying.

I can't believe October is over. My desire to grow and to be changed and to receive a deeper appreciation for prayer is still there. Has it been fulfilled? I don't know. Perhaps I prayed more. Maybe I believed more. Did I sense his presence more? I'm not sure.

But as I read Yancey's book, he reminded me that the benefits and effects of prayer can often only be seen after months of the habit has been developed. Until this discipline has been engrained into the very fabric of your daily life for years. Then, looking back, it is easy to trace that small, consistent thread weaving in and out of every decision, situation and problem.

And so, I'll continue to pray and to plead with God to intervene in our broken, fallen world. Ask him to uphold his promises and to have him bring about redemption. Cry out to him to turn hearts toward him and to not give up on ours.

I pray because I must.

"Strive after me"

I don't know if I would describe this monthly as disciplined. I didn't stick exactly to my plan. But prayer was intimately a part of my life this month in so many areas. I didn't spend exactly the amount of time I said I would at the exact moments I said I would. Instead, I found myself just praying throughout the whole day, in the smallest of tasks to the newest of challenges. I've been blessed by the times that my husband and I have taken to pray together. It's a privilege and an encouragement for me to hear his heart before God. I know this is something we will have to be disciplined in as a couple... so far we have been. And it's been sweet. But I'm not kidding myself and thinking things won't get busy and life won't try to get in the way of those important times before God together. 

I want to share one testimony from this month. It isn't really about persevering in disciplined prayer but it is an example of how faithfully and intimately God has been with me this month in moments that I have cried out to Him. It's not a flattering testimony. I'm ashamed that I would feel such, prideful, self-centered, shallow emotions when God has so abundantly blessed me in this season of my life and in my relationship with my husband... but it's where I was at and when I called out to God, He met me there, and showed me the way out.

I've been home the past two weeks getting things unpacked and organized at the apartment and starting a job search. Not much happened in the way of resume writing or job searching the first week so I was determined to get things rolling this week. But when I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt procrastination welling up inside of me. So I stopped and prayed that God would help me to use my time well and just focus and get my resume finished. Then I got down to work. Things went pretty smoothly at first but then I hit the "Accomplishments and Awards" section of my resume and I had to look up some dates for when I received certain things. So I got up to find my file folder that has all of my certificates. I opened it as I was walking back to the kitchen table where I had been working. I felt this sudden flood of emotions looking over the awards I received in high school that said I was going to "be somebody",  the amazing recommendation letters from teachers, the reference letter from my university prof who I remember so blatantly telling me that I wouldn't be happy with just an undergraduate degree. These people all thought I was going somewhere special with my life. I thought I was going to find a glamorously fulfilling career as a doctor in Africa, or something of the sort. I felt... disappointment, pride, embarrassment that I'm a married, unemployed university graduate who is currently spending the majority of the week cleaning and cooking. As these thoughts ran through my head I dropped to my knees in the middle of my hallway and prayed. I don’t even remember exactly what I said to God but my heart was just crying out for Him to turn me away from those self-focused, un-loving emotions. And as I was on my knees a verse came to me. “Whoever would be great among you must be your servant and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all”. I immediately got up to see where the verse was found. It’s from Mark 10:43-45 and the rest of it goes like this: “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many”.  And then I had this amazing flood of peace and grace wash over me. I felt assurance that I am right where God wants me; that my hard work in high school and university was not wasted and that I should continue to work hard at whatever is in front of me but that the results of my hard work are in God’s hands. I felt conviction that it is not about being great in the world’s eyes and that what I am doing right now, learning how to be content in simply where I am, unemployed, working around the home, being a wife and learning how to do all of that in love and joy, that those are the things that are great to God.  And I was filled with assurance that God is going to lead me where he wants me and that if I trust him, it will be good; whether it’s a fast-paced, challenging career or a simple, little job that just brings in a little extra income for our family. So I wrote Mark 10:43-45 on my fridge and continued on with my resume writing, praising God that he would grant me that encouraging moment even as I presented to him such ugly struggles in my heart.

At lunch time, I took a break from resume writing and opened my bible to Ecclesiastes, simply because that’s where I had been reading the previous day. As I read chapter 6 it was like He was saying all over again, “See, there is no satisfaction in toiling on this earth in any job or career unless I give the power to enjoy them. Don’t strive after status or careers, strive after me.”

Prayer

Though its half-way through October, I feel like I am only beginning my month of prayer.

I began my book for the month (Prayer by Phillip Yancey) today and was super encouraged by it. Prayer really does serve as a zooming out and focusing on God and the bigger picture. As Yancey put it, "It cures our myopia."

I've been praying pretty consistently, but still feel something lacking. I want to want to spend hours in prayer, but find myself quite fidgety by 10 minutes. I journal on a daily basis and I pray as I journal, but I want to experience that powerful moment of intercessory prayer where time seems to disappear and all that matters are the prayer requests on my mind.

That has yet to happen.

I want to try praying in groups this month more often. Perhaps, all I'll do is pray with my husband more consistently. Maybe I'll find a prayer partner. But quite frankly, if "all I do" is pray with my husband more... then that will have been a wonderful accomplishment!

And while I'm at it... send me prayer requests. I'd love to pray for you ladies more this month :)

Watch and Pray, Stand and Look….I am at the crossroads

During the month of September I focused on the discipline of prayer and in turn I learned a lot about being at the crossroads of life. At the beginning of the month I though I would learn the usual “facts” about prayer – i.e. its important, its how we talk to God, we can only work for the Lord when we are praying to Him…but I found this month I learned a lot about praying and waiting, praying and watching, and praying and standing. 

The message God sent me over and over was that my life is at a crossroads and every morning when I wake up there are two roads I can take – the path of despair or the path of righteousness.

The last verse my father read before his passing was Jeremiah 6:16

“This is what the Lord says:
“Stop at the crossroads and look around.
    Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it.
Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls.
    But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’

Proverbs 8 has a similar parallel to this verse. It talks about how wisdom takes her stand at the crossroads, and she cries aloud to the people to seek her and to follow after her diligently. In this particular passage wisdom is personified as Jesus Christ –as both were described as being with God at the beginning of time. From this a beautiful image came to my mind – every morning when I am at the crossroads I am not alone – Christ has taken His stand, and is calling out to me, asking me to follow Him…the question is do I choose to listen? Do I look around and ask for the old, godly way? Or do I just trundle along – “praying as I go”, making decisions in my own flesh and anxiousness?

This month I was challenged to pray and be still. Over and over I felt like God was saying to me, do nothing but pray – and I will do the rest!

What I wanted to end with was a reminder to all of you beautiful ladies – every morning when we wake up, we are at the crossroads of life – it is up to us what we choose to do! I am choosing to stop and look around, I am choosing to meet Jesus – I pray you are encouraged to do the same.

Love you!

Press on

Last month I wasn't very disciplined. I didn't make a strong enough effort to take the 20 minutes I said I would out of the middle of my day to meditate on God's word. I let the busyness of by day creep in and take priority. Even though I was well aware that every time I did take the time to meditate, God blessed that time. Why do I turn away from God and turn toward relying on my own agenda and strengths when I know and have experienced again and again the blessings and goodness that come from turning and surrendering to God? The condition of the human heart is a frustrating thing. Thankfully we serve a very patient and faithful Lord. This month I'm going to try to be disciplined in prayer. Originally, I had planned to dedicate time only in the morning and evening to concentrated prayer... but after last month, seeing how I put my busyness ahead of God and wouldn't stop to take time with Him in the midst of it, I know that I need to dedicate some time in the middle of my day as well to concentrated prayer; to drop whatever I'm in the middle of and SHOW Him, not simply tell Him, that He is more important. I completely understand that I will fail to do this perfectly. I know there will be days where I choose my work over His work. But we are called to press on.

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 3:12-14).

I've given up. Frankly speaking, I feel "done" meditating. In fact, I was done meditating about a week and a half ago... I check my calendar and feel relieved that October is... tomorrow. Maybe prayer will be easier than meditation.

I know how foolish this sounds, but its a very accurate description of how I'm feeling. I was thrilled to begin this challenge; my hopes were high and I got chills just thinking about "all that growth" that we'd witness this year.

But meditation was hard. I don't believe I saw much growth-- if any at all. It was extremely difficult to find the motivation and focus needed to just sit on one or two verses... for a whole week. My impatience urged me to move on.

The couple of times that I actually managed to sit were wonderful. Scripture sunk in, but far too often, I neglected meditation and just journalled and read.

I want to carry moments of meditation on into the following months. I cannot focus on my "failing" to actually discipline myself. I want to turn to Jesus and begin a new month.

Ready or not... here we come, October!

It's September 22.

Stream-of-consciousness...

I know everyone can relate to the statements, "I've been busy," or, "I've been tired," whether now or looking at another time of your lives.  I know that's what I keep telling myself.  But as I keep telling myself that I'm tired and busy, I reflect more and more on what God is telling me that I am not hearing because I cannot stop listening to myself make excuses.

Certainly, if I I had faith in God's complete omnipotence, I would be able to take part in a daily or weekly spiritual discipline... right?  I would have faith that all of my work would be completed and that I would have time for everything... right?  But now, as I read over everything I just wrote, I realize that I can't stop using the word I.

We all know the issue with that.

Our Lord and Father is the only one who can take care of the things in our lives completely.  He's the one who can help us finish all of our work and our tasks and our this-and-thats that apparently need to be done for us to be functional.  I know that when I'm loaded with work, and my to-do list seems neverending, I feel an identity threat--like I cannot be myself and my life will not work out properly if I don't get these things done.  Sounds silly, right?

Oh, Lord God, please help me to recognize your hand in my life and know that spending time with you is never wasted.  Please help me recognize that my work will be completed because it's not my work at all--it's your work in the world, and you've just placed me here as your servant.  Allow me to have the heart of a servant to you and to this world, Father.  Allow me to have a life like Christ, wanting to serve others with a clean heart.

Create in me a clean heart, O God
and renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away from thy presence, O Lord
and take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
and renew a right spirit within me

(a song that I learned as a child... I remember when I found something almost identical in the Bible and was filled with joy... as a child!  Lord, restore your joy in my heart for your mission.)

May you discipline me as our spiritual walk grows deeply.  Today.  Not next month.  Today.

Amen.

A little note

So I think this verse may have been mentioned earlier in the posts, but I just wanted to bring it up again because it's encouraging!

Hebrews 12:11
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

That's really all I had to say :) Hope you're all having a great weekend!

Thoughts on Parade

During this month of focus on prayer, I have realized just how much it exposes my heart motivations and intentions. And to none other than the Creator of the universe. Although it is rarely pretty, I am realizing it is always good for me.

Good to see that God is good.
Good to see that I am not.
Good to see where my actions are stemming from.
Good to practice putting myself in a vulnerable position.
Good to just be in God's presence.
Good to be reminded of His presence throughout the day.
Good to have false narratives replaced with truth.

Just because it is good for me doesn't always mean I want to do it though. Some days I just don't feel like putting my heart out into the light. I was encouraged yesterday, though, as I sat in Bible study and looked through the passage in Matthew 6 where it says:

The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

May this season of prayer continue to bring my thoughts and my intentions into the light!

Starting Off in Style...

...

and by 'in style,' I mean procrastinating. I'd like to make excuses for myself: I'm busy! I have a job! I have a Senior Thesis to write! I need to sleep (sometime)! But really, how much of my time is taken up with watching The West Wing on Netflix or surfing the internet? (Answer: a lot. And I do mean a lot.)

But this is something that I want to do, something that I think is important. And so here's my (belated) September discipline: meditation, and, I suppose you could say, spiritual focus. That may sound redundant (since this is a Year of Spiritual Discipline), but this month I'm looking not only into traditional meditation (reading works on meditation by the scholar Thomas Merton) but also investigating Reiki, an alternative, yet increasingly common, method of spiritual meditation. Some call it energy healing; it's unusual for me. yet I don't think I'll find that it clashes with the precepts of Christian meditation.

And we could all use more peace in our lives, right?

Marcus huffed and puffed.
"Only 10 more seconds. You've got this," I tried encouraging him. We were both pretty sweaty, and I knew that in that moment he didn't like me-- not one bit.

But I also knew, that as he saw the pounds begin to drop and once he started feeling healthier, he'd really appreciate those early morning workouts where I pushed him for ten more seconds.

I'm feeling a lot like Marcus at the moment. I know that later, I will really appreciate the effort of pushing through five more minutes of meditation. I know that the spiritual fruit that this journey will help develop will be wonderful, but right now, its hard to see why pushing for a bit more time is worth it.

My soul isn't naturally going to do things that will increase in godliness. It is still a selfish and sinful, soul. Redeemed, yes, but still human. And so it groans against these things we call "disciplines." It doesn't want to be disciplined. But like any athlete knows... the work pays off.

Anyone else feeling a little slow and unmotivated this first week?

Striving to Seek Him Alone

God's plans for our lives are typically not what we expect,  but his ultimate desire for us is to seek Him first and foremost.  My life is currently in a state of change.  In the midst of this change, I have found myself crying out to God harder than I ever have before. I've also found myself doubting God more than I ever have before.  When I was invited to a year of spiritual disciplines, I realized that this is exactly what I need in the midst of the year ahead of me.  God is opening my eyes to seeking HIM more, drawing ever close to HIM, and resting completely in HIS perfect purpose for my life.  In this year, I'm praying that focusing on these disciplines will encourage, strengthen, and grow me in a way that I've never experienced before.  I know, a big prayer, but God is big and I know he can provide that.  I'll leave you with this, something I read this morning that has pushed me to ultimately seek HIM alone.

"Seek Me with your whole being. I desire to be found by you, and I orchestrate the events of your life with that purpose in mind." Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

Clinging to Faith

Clinging to Faith...

This is how I would describe my life over the past 3 months. Tuesday May 7th 2013, a week after I moved home from university I received a phone call that changed my life. Rushing to the hospital reality had not sunk in. Sitting in the waiting room...waiting...waiting...waiting, reality still refusing to sink into my heart. He was going be fine, sure we may loose the car, maybe he would have broken some bones, but by my dad would be okay...he's always okay.

Hours pass, more church family arrive, the waiting room is now full of Christians on their knees praying. My friends from school, at home, oversees, all praying.

First surgeon comes out, his blood is not clotting, his heart has stopped twice, he has serious internal damage. Hours pass. Second Surgeon comes out, I can hear the hopelessness in his voice, he seems to have already given up. Reality comes crashing down. I remember crying out to God with my mom, my sister, and my church family - Lord you can do anything, you have raised the dead, you can save my dad from this awful accident...but that evening our Sovereign Lord chose to take my dad home to Glory.

Since then life has been about clinging to His word, His promises, and His love....and I can confidently say that His love IS real in every circumstance...but needless to say my life has been a roller coaster. When I got Viv's email about the spiritual disciplines, my first thought was...will I have time for this? I start practicum in September, teachers college has been busy, should I commit to more? But another part of me screamed this is exactly what I need! This month my spiritual discipline is going to be prayer. I have lots of questions to wrestle with God on prayer, and I am excited to see how God reveals Himself to me through my journey of seeking him more.

Looking forward to walking this journey with all of you!

PLAN PLAN PLAN PLAN PLAN... oh yeah. and pray.

First things first. I'm really excited about this year of spiritual disciplines.
With that excitement comes a huge urge to micromanage and plan every minute of my spiritual disciplines schedule. PLEASE PRAY that I will resist that urge!
My first spiritual discipline I would like to develop is prayer. I'm not really sure how it's going to go, but I remember times in my life where I was consistent in long periods of prayer each day, and I LOVED it. So I'm hoping the same for this month, and that it's not going to go away after the month is done.
The plan I set up is pretty simple, and definitely not a big undertaking... but I think I need that. I don't want my prayer life to be scheduled to the second and have it be a checklist. I want it to be something that consistently re-directs my gaze back on Christ, something that helps me see His goodness and moves me to enter into creating goodness with Him.

Peacefully Uncertain

As I stopped for a moment to reflect on the name I've chosen for my blog posts, I realized it is very true in one sense, and not so true in another.

The future IS uncertain. So much is in transition. I'm not going back to school this fall for the first time in 16 years. I have absolutely no idea where I will be working this immediate year and even less of an idea as to what I will be doing next year (ie. heading back to school in the hopes of pursing a specific career; continuing working at the job I have yet to get; moving...who knows?). And (most excitingly!) I am about to discover the unknown territory of married life.

All of these things are uncertain. And yet I am at peace. And here is where my title is not so true. As I sat pondering why I am at peace it hit me that its because I am certain about the most important thing: Christ is at the center of where I am now and He is at the center of where I am headed. But I know my self and my flesh. Keeping Christ at the center doesn't come naturally; its a battle; everyday. And when I think about the number of times Paul wrote about training and discipline and endurance (1 Corinthians 9:24-27, Hebrews 12:1-3&11, Ephesians 6:10-18) I am definitely convicted that sometimes I take this battle a little too lightly.

As I was considering whether I would partake in this project or not I thought of all the uncertainties; I have no idea how busy I will be this year or whether I should wait and save my time to commit to a spiritual project my husband and I decide to do as a couple, etc. etc. But the conviction that rang true was that no matter where I am in life; busy or married or whatever it is; one thing remains certain: I need to stay steadfastly dependent on God. I am excited that during this transition year I will not be forgetting to stop and pursue and feed the patterns in my life that draw me closer to Christ.  

      Before everything gets even crazier than it already seems to be getting. I want to be really honest. I am not sure on which spiritual disciplines I want to work on but I like being a part of this because it keeps me accountable.
This is a year of NEW and BIG changes in my life. So Im excited but a little scared about what it might bring.
I will be working on campus and probably joining a traveling choir ... so Ill tell you more about it as it gets closer.

Can't Forget This

Weekday Philosophy

     People keep telling me, "This is it- this is the big year! Your last year... what are you going to do when you graduate?"
     And there it is, that question. The Question, as a matter of fact, for almost every college senior: what, exactly, are you going to do with what you've worked so hard for the the past four years?
     It is, to be honest, my least favorite thing to hear. Because it's a question that I have no answer for, no clever, scathing remark (and trust me, clever, scathing remarks normally come easily to me). I don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate. I don't have the answers. And that, friends, is frightening. Not deep down, gut-wrenchingly frightening (not yet), but intimidating. And it's something that I spend a lot of time (not) thinking about.
     And then Viv opened this door: spend some time with God this year, she said. Find something deeper than yourself, than your worries. And my first thought was, 'who has the time?' I've got classes to attend, a job, clubs to run, exams to take, grad schools to apply to... the list seems endless. Classes hadn't even started, and already there was no time for God in my life. And that's when I realized: maybe that was the problem. The Problem, if you will. Because as much as I'll claim that I'm a Christian who puts God first, how often does that actually happen?
     So, everyone, here I am, searching for God in my everyday, insane life, trying to sort myself out and find, not what I think I want, but what God wants for me. I'm just your average WeekdayPhilosopher, looking for the answers... hopefully in the right places, this time.

Audere est Facere – to Dare is to DO

     As a kid during the childhood game of truth or dare, I was typically the child that chose the “truth” option of the game. Always figuring that I could never embarrass myself too much if I shared a truth; I opted for what I believed was the safer route. Spiritual Discipline in my life has always been like the “truth” aspect of this trivial game. I understood it, and even took a college course on it, but maybe didn’t spend the focus I should have on each discipline. Now, I am daring myself to push deeper into the disciplines and experience them in a whole different way than I would have ever felt comfortable doing. 

     When I was younger the dare option was so unknown. If I were to choose a dare over sharing a truth, I would be exposed to the potential of having to perform some embarrassing act that could potentially have altered people’s thoughts about me. One of the many definitions of the word dare is, “to have the courage to venture, or try.” I have grown to note that I cannot just stay in my rut of what I believe is comfortable. Sometimes you have to try things that might push you outside of your comfort zone. This year is about breaking free from the norm, and checking out different disciplines that could really nurture my growth in Christ.

 I am Daring, daring myself to do.

A New Journey

September is just around the corner and I am filled with so many emotions. I can't believe summer is over. I can't believe that fall is creeping up. I know change is coming-- and coming soon. I'm a bit overwhelmed by my future at this point. Do I know exactly what it entails? No. But I'm slightly dreading this new season of waiting.

A season with extra time.
Lots of it.

I've always felt "too busy" to actually discipline myself in order to develop these disciplines. I've tried as I can and always figured that... at least I was trying. But really, is that what I'll come up with when asked why I haven't taken the time to do these incredible spiritual exercises?

So. Though I'm hesitant and not sure I'll enjoy this new season, I am super hopeful that I will meet and encounter Jesus in new and intimate ways this year. I'm excited for a virtual community to pray, laugh, talk and struggle together.

Oh, I'm excited for this new journey.

~Peanut