"Strive after me"

I don't know if I would describe this monthly as disciplined. I didn't stick exactly to my plan. But prayer was intimately a part of my life this month in so many areas. I didn't spend exactly the amount of time I said I would at the exact moments I said I would. Instead, I found myself just praying throughout the whole day, in the smallest of tasks to the newest of challenges. I've been blessed by the times that my husband and I have taken to pray together. It's a privilege and an encouragement for me to hear his heart before God. I know this is something we will have to be disciplined in as a couple... so far we have been. And it's been sweet. But I'm not kidding myself and thinking things won't get busy and life won't try to get in the way of those important times before God together. 

I want to share one testimony from this month. It isn't really about persevering in disciplined prayer but it is an example of how faithfully and intimately God has been with me this month in moments that I have cried out to Him. It's not a flattering testimony. I'm ashamed that I would feel such, prideful, self-centered, shallow emotions when God has so abundantly blessed me in this season of my life and in my relationship with my husband... but it's where I was at and when I called out to God, He met me there, and showed me the way out.

I've been home the past two weeks getting things unpacked and organized at the apartment and starting a job search. Not much happened in the way of resume writing or job searching the first week so I was determined to get things rolling this week. But when I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt procrastination welling up inside of me. So I stopped and prayed that God would help me to use my time well and just focus and get my resume finished. Then I got down to work. Things went pretty smoothly at first but then I hit the "Accomplishments and Awards" section of my resume and I had to look up some dates for when I received certain things. So I got up to find my file folder that has all of my certificates. I opened it as I was walking back to the kitchen table where I had been working. I felt this sudden flood of emotions looking over the awards I received in high school that said I was going to "be somebody",  the amazing recommendation letters from teachers, the reference letter from my university prof who I remember so blatantly telling me that I wouldn't be happy with just an undergraduate degree. These people all thought I was going somewhere special with my life. I thought I was going to find a glamorously fulfilling career as a doctor in Africa, or something of the sort. I felt... disappointment, pride, embarrassment that I'm a married, unemployed university graduate who is currently spending the majority of the week cleaning and cooking. As these thoughts ran through my head I dropped to my knees in the middle of my hallway and prayed. I don’t even remember exactly what I said to God but my heart was just crying out for Him to turn me away from those self-focused, un-loving emotions. And as I was on my knees a verse came to me. “Whoever would be great among you must be your servant and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all”. I immediately got up to see where the verse was found. It’s from Mark 10:43-45 and the rest of it goes like this: “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many”.  And then I had this amazing flood of peace and grace wash over me. I felt assurance that I am right where God wants me; that my hard work in high school and university was not wasted and that I should continue to work hard at whatever is in front of me but that the results of my hard work are in God’s hands. I felt conviction that it is not about being great in the world’s eyes and that what I am doing right now, learning how to be content in simply where I am, unemployed, working around the home, being a wife and learning how to do all of that in love and joy, that those are the things that are great to God.  And I was filled with assurance that God is going to lead me where he wants me and that if I trust him, it will be good; whether it’s a fast-paced, challenging career or a simple, little job that just brings in a little extra income for our family. So I wrote Mark 10:43-45 on my fridge and continued on with my resume writing, praising God that he would grant me that encouraging moment even as I presented to him such ugly struggles in my heart.

At lunch time, I took a break from resume writing and opened my bible to Ecclesiastes, simply because that’s where I had been reading the previous day. As I read chapter 6 it was like He was saying all over again, “See, there is no satisfaction in toiling on this earth in any job or career unless I give the power to enjoy them. Don’t strive after status or careers, strive after me.”