This month I am focusing on fasting. This is the spiritual discipline that I was least looking forward to. Food, and my desire for it, is one of those secret areas of my heart where only God really knows the struggle I have there. I've been on both ends of the spectrum: consistently turning to food in times of stress to feel some sort of an immediate comfort and numb the real problems, to calorie counting and being preoccupied with "healthiness" and gaining mastery over my comfort eating that way. I think the devil loves this area of my life because it's so subtle. Appearances wouldn't send off red flags to anyone that a problem exists: I've got a pretty average body size being neither overweight nor worryingly skinny. So this little struggle of mine can exist without anyone else suspecting it. And that's a dangerous starting point for me. Because if it were a sin that others could see... I'm certain I'd be a lot quicker and a lot more serious at wanting it gone. And I know that's a serious sin in itself... caring more about appearing godly before other people than fearing God and desiring to be made holy by Him inside and out. I've had periods of my life where I've struggled with it more than others; but its a recurring point of weakness. I've been so blatantly convicted many times when I have put my desire for food over something else God would have me be doing, and I've ignored Him with simple thoughts like, "There's nothing wrong with food", "I don't eat too much, so there's no problem here God, why are you bugging me about this", or I'll tell myself "You're just being a perfectionist, let it go" even when I know that still small voice saying, "Take a look at yourself. What is really Lord of your life right now?". It doesn't matter if I'm within the average weight category, it doesn't matter if I'm not eating any more or less than other women my age, it doesn't matter if I appear healthy, it doesn't matter if everyone else around me is preoccupied with eating, it doesn't matter if the food is free. None of that matters if God has spoken to my heart, asked me to do something, and I have ignored Him. And there have been times where I most certainly have.

I've fasted a handful of times throughout the last four years. I remember the first time I fasted. I didn't make me feel close to God but it did make me feel extremely aware of how far I am from Him. I spent the whole day just thinking about how hungry I was, trying not to think about how hungry I was, watching the clock to see how many hours had gone by. It was very humbling.  

At the start of this month, I used a concordance to look up passages in the bible that talk about fasting. Here are a few summarized: Isaiah 58 talks about true fasting not being a single period of "religiously" humbling yourself but a lifestyle of mercy, justice and love. In Matthew 6:16 Jesus warns not to fast for the appearance of godliness before others but to make it a secret thing between you and God. In Luke 18 fasting is used an an example in a parable of how it, in itself, does not make you righteous or pleasing to God. Matthew 4:2 says that Jesus fasted for 40 days and night before he began his ministry and that he was tempted by the devil when he was hungry and weak. In Acts 14:23 the apostles fasted and prayed when committing elders of the church to God.

This morning I listened to a sermon by James MacDonald entitled "The Discipline of Fasting". It was both convicting and reaffirming in many ways. Here are the main points that stood out to me.

• We have little hunger for God. We will rarely miss a meal but we frequently miss spiritual meals
• We only have so much hunger. We have a finite capacity to hunger for things to satisfy us so why after we expend so much energy on our appearance in the morning, our work throughout the day, our breakfast, lunch and dinner, our entertainment (TV, music, phones, facebook, etc.) do we wonder that we're not hungry for God at the end of the day?
•  Our enslavement to food hinders our hunger for God. My immense agitation when I fast for even small period of time proves the hold that food has on me.
• Fasting breaks our enslavement to food. It humbles us and shows us who we really are.

This is an area of my life that I have needed a lot of grace from God in and I know I will probably continue to need a lot of grace in. I am hoping that this month brings some healing and life and overcoming.