Don't even know what to say

I didn't really do the discipline this month. I was going to do meditation.
I half-heartedly read the book.
I dozed as I meditated on the same verses for the umpteenth time.
I never did two of the things I was going to do weekly.

Have I gained an appreciation for meditation? YES. Because it is an area in which I am in desperate need of grace.

And that's where the good news is!

Just because this month was an epic fail at meditation does not mean that I was an epic fail in the eyes of God. Yes, I would have liked to experience his presence more, gotten lost in each word of scripture instead of the back of my eyelids, ended the month being able to sit on a verse for HOURS. haha.

But, has me failing to do that actually changed who I am in Christ? nope. And that's where I am given even more freedom to praise Him for that!

So, with that being said, I am on to practicing confession for the next month.
I am actually really excited for this month, not just because I was so over meditation like 3 weeks ago, but because I am excited for what God is going to teach me. I'm anticipating it will be hard, and praying for more perseverance this month, but also thanking God that he is faithful even when I am not.
Pray with me that I can rest in his faithfulness and mercy.

A month of prayer... done.

And yet, I hope (and pray!) that it is not done... not done at all. I have learned to be more intentional in prayers, I have gone through the frustration of trying to be more disciplined and still feeling the same results. I have chosen to continue praying.

I can't believe October is over. My desire to grow and to be changed and to receive a deeper appreciation for prayer is still there. Has it been fulfilled? I don't know. Perhaps I prayed more. Maybe I believed more. Did I sense his presence more? I'm not sure.

But as I read Yancey's book, he reminded me that the benefits and effects of prayer can often only be seen after months of the habit has been developed. Until this discipline has been engrained into the very fabric of your daily life for years. Then, looking back, it is easy to trace that small, consistent thread weaving in and out of every decision, situation and problem.

And so, I'll continue to pray and to plead with God to intervene in our broken, fallen world. Ask him to uphold his promises and to have him bring about redemption. Cry out to him to turn hearts toward him and to not give up on ours.

I pray because I must.

"Strive after me"

I don't know if I would describe this monthly as disciplined. I didn't stick exactly to my plan. But prayer was intimately a part of my life this month in so many areas. I didn't spend exactly the amount of time I said I would at the exact moments I said I would. Instead, I found myself just praying throughout the whole day, in the smallest of tasks to the newest of challenges. I've been blessed by the times that my husband and I have taken to pray together. It's a privilege and an encouragement for me to hear his heart before God. I know this is something we will have to be disciplined in as a couple... so far we have been. And it's been sweet. But I'm not kidding myself and thinking things won't get busy and life won't try to get in the way of those important times before God together. 

I want to share one testimony from this month. It isn't really about persevering in disciplined prayer but it is an example of how faithfully and intimately God has been with me this month in moments that I have cried out to Him. It's not a flattering testimony. I'm ashamed that I would feel such, prideful, self-centered, shallow emotions when God has so abundantly blessed me in this season of my life and in my relationship with my husband... but it's where I was at and when I called out to God, He met me there, and showed me the way out.

I've been home the past two weeks getting things unpacked and organized at the apartment and starting a job search. Not much happened in the way of resume writing or job searching the first week so I was determined to get things rolling this week. But when I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt procrastination welling up inside of me. So I stopped and prayed that God would help me to use my time well and just focus and get my resume finished. Then I got down to work. Things went pretty smoothly at first but then I hit the "Accomplishments and Awards" section of my resume and I had to look up some dates for when I received certain things. So I got up to find my file folder that has all of my certificates. I opened it as I was walking back to the kitchen table where I had been working. I felt this sudden flood of emotions looking over the awards I received in high school that said I was going to "be somebody",  the amazing recommendation letters from teachers, the reference letter from my university prof who I remember so blatantly telling me that I wouldn't be happy with just an undergraduate degree. These people all thought I was going somewhere special with my life. I thought I was going to find a glamorously fulfilling career as a doctor in Africa, or something of the sort. I felt... disappointment, pride, embarrassment that I'm a married, unemployed university graduate who is currently spending the majority of the week cleaning and cooking. As these thoughts ran through my head I dropped to my knees in the middle of my hallway and prayed. I don’t even remember exactly what I said to God but my heart was just crying out for Him to turn me away from those self-focused, un-loving emotions. And as I was on my knees a verse came to me. “Whoever would be great among you must be your servant and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all”. I immediately got up to see where the verse was found. It’s from Mark 10:43-45 and the rest of it goes like this: “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many”.  And then I had this amazing flood of peace and grace wash over me. I felt assurance that I am right where God wants me; that my hard work in high school and university was not wasted and that I should continue to work hard at whatever is in front of me but that the results of my hard work are in God’s hands. I felt conviction that it is not about being great in the world’s eyes and that what I am doing right now, learning how to be content in simply where I am, unemployed, working around the home, being a wife and learning how to do all of that in love and joy, that those are the things that are great to God.  And I was filled with assurance that God is going to lead me where he wants me and that if I trust him, it will be good; whether it’s a fast-paced, challenging career or a simple, little job that just brings in a little extra income for our family. So I wrote Mark 10:43-45 on my fridge and continued on with my resume writing, praising God that he would grant me that encouraging moment even as I presented to him such ugly struggles in my heart.

At lunch time, I took a break from resume writing and opened my bible to Ecclesiastes, simply because that’s where I had been reading the previous day. As I read chapter 6 it was like He was saying all over again, “See, there is no satisfaction in toiling on this earth in any job or career unless I give the power to enjoy them. Don’t strive after status or careers, strive after me.”

Prayer

Though its half-way through October, I feel like I am only beginning my month of prayer.

I began my book for the month (Prayer by Phillip Yancey) today and was super encouraged by it. Prayer really does serve as a zooming out and focusing on God and the bigger picture. As Yancey put it, "It cures our myopia."

I've been praying pretty consistently, but still feel something lacking. I want to want to spend hours in prayer, but find myself quite fidgety by 10 minutes. I journal on a daily basis and I pray as I journal, but I want to experience that powerful moment of intercessory prayer where time seems to disappear and all that matters are the prayer requests on my mind.

That has yet to happen.

I want to try praying in groups this month more often. Perhaps, all I'll do is pray with my husband more consistently. Maybe I'll find a prayer partner. But quite frankly, if "all I do" is pray with my husband more... then that will have been a wonderful accomplishment!

And while I'm at it... send me prayer requests. I'd love to pray for you ladies more this month :)

Watch and Pray, Stand and Look….I am at the crossroads

During the month of September I focused on the discipline of prayer and in turn I learned a lot about being at the crossroads of life. At the beginning of the month I though I would learn the usual “facts” about prayer – i.e. its important, its how we talk to God, we can only work for the Lord when we are praying to Him…but I found this month I learned a lot about praying and waiting, praying and watching, and praying and standing. 

The message God sent me over and over was that my life is at a crossroads and every morning when I wake up there are two roads I can take – the path of despair or the path of righteousness.

The last verse my father read before his passing was Jeremiah 6:16

“This is what the Lord says:
“Stop at the crossroads and look around.
    Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it.
Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls.
    But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’

Proverbs 8 has a similar parallel to this verse. It talks about how wisdom takes her stand at the crossroads, and she cries aloud to the people to seek her and to follow after her diligently. In this particular passage wisdom is personified as Jesus Christ –as both were described as being with God at the beginning of time. From this a beautiful image came to my mind – every morning when I am at the crossroads I am not alone – Christ has taken His stand, and is calling out to me, asking me to follow Him…the question is do I choose to listen? Do I look around and ask for the old, godly way? Or do I just trundle along – “praying as I go”, making decisions in my own flesh and anxiousness?

This month I was challenged to pray and be still. Over and over I felt like God was saying to me, do nothing but pray – and I will do the rest!

What I wanted to end with was a reminder to all of you beautiful ladies – every morning when we wake up, we are at the crossroads of life – it is up to us what we choose to do! I am choosing to stop and look around, I am choosing to meet Jesus – I pray you are encouraged to do the same.

Love you!

Press on

Last month I wasn't very disciplined. I didn't make a strong enough effort to take the 20 minutes I said I would out of the middle of my day to meditate on God's word. I let the busyness of by day creep in and take priority. Even though I was well aware that every time I did take the time to meditate, God blessed that time. Why do I turn away from God and turn toward relying on my own agenda and strengths when I know and have experienced again and again the blessings and goodness that come from turning and surrendering to God? The condition of the human heart is a frustrating thing. Thankfully we serve a very patient and faithful Lord. This month I'm going to try to be disciplined in prayer. Originally, I had planned to dedicate time only in the morning and evening to concentrated prayer... but after last month, seeing how I put my busyness ahead of God and wouldn't stop to take time with Him in the midst of it, I know that I need to dedicate some time in the middle of my day as well to concentrated prayer; to drop whatever I'm in the middle of and SHOW Him, not simply tell Him, that He is more important. I completely understand that I will fail to do this perfectly. I know there will be days where I choose my work over His work. But we are called to press on.

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 3:12-14).