I've given up. Frankly speaking, I feel "done" meditating. In fact, I was done meditating about a week and a half ago... I check my calendar and feel relieved that October is... tomorrow. Maybe prayer will be easier than meditation.

I know how foolish this sounds, but its a very accurate description of how I'm feeling. I was thrilled to begin this challenge; my hopes were high and I got chills just thinking about "all that growth" that we'd witness this year.

But meditation was hard. I don't believe I saw much growth-- if any at all. It was extremely difficult to find the motivation and focus needed to just sit on one or two verses... for a whole week. My impatience urged me to move on.

The couple of times that I actually managed to sit were wonderful. Scripture sunk in, but far too often, I neglected meditation and just journalled and read.

I want to carry moments of meditation on into the following months. I cannot focus on my "failing" to actually discipline myself. I want to turn to Jesus and begin a new month.

Ready or not... here we come, October!

It's September 22.

Stream-of-consciousness...

I know everyone can relate to the statements, "I've been busy," or, "I've been tired," whether now or looking at another time of your lives.  I know that's what I keep telling myself.  But as I keep telling myself that I'm tired and busy, I reflect more and more on what God is telling me that I am not hearing because I cannot stop listening to myself make excuses.

Certainly, if I I had faith in God's complete omnipotence, I would be able to take part in a daily or weekly spiritual discipline... right?  I would have faith that all of my work would be completed and that I would have time for everything... right?  But now, as I read over everything I just wrote, I realize that I can't stop using the word I.

We all know the issue with that.

Our Lord and Father is the only one who can take care of the things in our lives completely.  He's the one who can help us finish all of our work and our tasks and our this-and-thats that apparently need to be done for us to be functional.  I know that when I'm loaded with work, and my to-do list seems neverending, I feel an identity threat--like I cannot be myself and my life will not work out properly if I don't get these things done.  Sounds silly, right?

Oh, Lord God, please help me to recognize your hand in my life and know that spending time with you is never wasted.  Please help me recognize that my work will be completed because it's not my work at all--it's your work in the world, and you've just placed me here as your servant.  Allow me to have the heart of a servant to you and to this world, Father.  Allow me to have a life like Christ, wanting to serve others with a clean heart.

Create in me a clean heart, O God
and renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away from thy presence, O Lord
and take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
and renew a right spirit within me

(a song that I learned as a child... I remember when I found something almost identical in the Bible and was filled with joy... as a child!  Lord, restore your joy in my heart for your mission.)

May you discipline me as our spiritual walk grows deeply.  Today.  Not next month.  Today.

Amen.

A little note

So I think this verse may have been mentioned earlier in the posts, but I just wanted to bring it up again because it's encouraging!

Hebrews 12:11
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

That's really all I had to say :) Hope you're all having a great weekend!

Thoughts on Parade

During this month of focus on prayer, I have realized just how much it exposes my heart motivations and intentions. And to none other than the Creator of the universe. Although it is rarely pretty, I am realizing it is always good for me.

Good to see that God is good.
Good to see that I am not.
Good to see where my actions are stemming from.
Good to practice putting myself in a vulnerable position.
Good to just be in God's presence.
Good to be reminded of His presence throughout the day.
Good to have false narratives replaced with truth.

Just because it is good for me doesn't always mean I want to do it though. Some days I just don't feel like putting my heart out into the light. I was encouraged yesterday, though, as I sat in Bible study and looked through the passage in Matthew 6 where it says:

The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

May this season of prayer continue to bring my thoughts and my intentions into the light!

Starting Off in Style...

...

and by 'in style,' I mean procrastinating. I'd like to make excuses for myself: I'm busy! I have a job! I have a Senior Thesis to write! I need to sleep (sometime)! But really, how much of my time is taken up with watching The West Wing on Netflix or surfing the internet? (Answer: a lot. And I do mean a lot.)

But this is something that I want to do, something that I think is important. And so here's my (belated) September discipline: meditation, and, I suppose you could say, spiritual focus. That may sound redundant (since this is a Year of Spiritual Discipline), but this month I'm looking not only into traditional meditation (reading works on meditation by the scholar Thomas Merton) but also investigating Reiki, an alternative, yet increasingly common, method of spiritual meditation. Some call it energy healing; it's unusual for me. yet I don't think I'll find that it clashes with the precepts of Christian meditation.

And we could all use more peace in our lives, right?

Marcus huffed and puffed.
"Only 10 more seconds. You've got this," I tried encouraging him. We were both pretty sweaty, and I knew that in that moment he didn't like me-- not one bit.

But I also knew, that as he saw the pounds begin to drop and once he started feeling healthier, he'd really appreciate those early morning workouts where I pushed him for ten more seconds.

I'm feeling a lot like Marcus at the moment. I know that later, I will really appreciate the effort of pushing through five more minutes of meditation. I know that the spiritual fruit that this journey will help develop will be wonderful, but right now, its hard to see why pushing for a bit more time is worth it.

My soul isn't naturally going to do things that will increase in godliness. It is still a selfish and sinful, soul. Redeemed, yes, but still human. And so it groans against these things we call "disciplines." It doesn't want to be disciplined. But like any athlete knows... the work pays off.

Anyone else feeling a little slow and unmotivated this first week?

Striving to Seek Him Alone

God's plans for our lives are typically not what we expect,  but his ultimate desire for us is to seek Him first and foremost.  My life is currently in a state of change.  In the midst of this change, I have found myself crying out to God harder than I ever have before. I've also found myself doubting God more than I ever have before.  When I was invited to a year of spiritual disciplines, I realized that this is exactly what I need in the midst of the year ahead of me.  God is opening my eyes to seeking HIM more, drawing ever close to HIM, and resting completely in HIS perfect purpose for my life.  In this year, I'm praying that focusing on these disciplines will encourage, strengthen, and grow me in a way that I've never experienced before.  I know, a big prayer, but God is big and I know he can provide that.  I'll leave you with this, something I read this morning that has pushed me to ultimately seek HIM alone.

"Seek Me with your whole being. I desire to be found by you, and I orchestrate the events of your life with that purpose in mind." Jesus Calling, Sarah Young