This month was good. Not good in the sense that it was easy. It felt like discipline. The first few mornings that I fasted it amazed me all over again how psychologically dependent I am upon food. I woke up with the desire to just keep sleeping if I couldn't get up and have breakfast. I realized quickly that was a horrible mindset that completely undermined the point of fasting. But when I did get up I started cleaning, organizing, writing grocery lists, writing to-do lists, etc. It was as if I wanted to do anything but sit quietly and actually acknowledge my hunger and seek God in the midst of it. So from that point on, every time I fasted from a meal, I reminded myself to keep the perspective that I was withholding from taking food for the purpose of feeding on a spiritual meal. So I made sure I sat still and acknowledged my hunger and told God that I would rather feed on His word right now. So my morning fasts felt good. My 24 hour fast wasn't so great. It wasn't horrible. 12 hours in I felt weak and tired and had a headache. But I think what makes me feel like fasting for longer periods of time is pointless is I've never felt spiritually filled on longer fasts. I've just felt weakness. I haven't felt a deeper hunger for God, I've just felt brain-dead. So I think... what's the point? Maybe the point is simply to feel weakness? To be humbled? I don't know. I want to keep up with morning fasts on a regular basis. But as for longer fasts... I think I need to pray about that and seek God's perspective in it.

One Time. (:

One time I joined a blog group. One time I thought I could keep up with life’s craziness. One time I really thought it was all possible. One time was August. That one time in August happened to be before a full course load of 5 classes and a weekly placement took up my academic life. That one time in August also happened to be before I took on a Student Council position at my school and a part time position working for the school. That one time in August also happened to be a time when I signed up with a group of friends to take on an Inductive Bible Study series on Philippians and Colossians. One time it all seemed manageable. So why not throw in a personal study aspect to my fall semester that was bound to be great? I was certain that taking on the study of spiritual disciplines would be a great “dare” as I shared in my first (and so far last) post. I dared myself to do, do more. Too much more? 

I am not sharing the above information to gloat or seek pity about the “full schedule” of my life. It’s all about what I collected on my plate that may have been a little much for the time.

Taking on this study was really beneficial at first. I began with the discipline of prayer and spent daily time before bed praying for people in my life. People from my childhood, people from all over really…Every night I would pray for five different people, wherever they were, whatever they were doing. And I really benefited from this. I began to think outside of the box. How could I pray for someone who I really didn’t know anymore? I really sought to think deeper and explore the power of prayer and the humbling experience it really is. 

Month two was going to be memorization/meditation, and this began with good intentions to focus on a key verse per week that I was going to memorize; but by the end of that first week the novelty seemed to fade away. Since then I have really not centered in on any particular discipline.

I tried to justify my “wandering” away from the spiritual discipline journey, and I really could find no sound argument for myself. “You just bit off more than you could chew” I would tell myself. But did I really? Did I really bite off so much in my life that I couldn’t find time to sit down and even reflect on a discipline? Having time to scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook daily for about 30 minutes seems to be a necessity in my life. If I could spend time on Facebook, then why couldn’t I spend time even digging deeper into God’s word. What makes social media so great that society feels the need to push old school disciplines out of the way? These thoughts have really begun to convict me. Convict me of going with the motions of what others are doing around me. Facebook has become the norm, and if energy and time is put into all of these online endeavors, what is left at the end of the day when I bow my head to pray and thank God for the wonders in my life?

I am really curious to monitor where my time is spent. Who it is spent with, and why I am spending my time doing the things that I am doing. Life is like an hourglass, and the sand is trickling through. 30 minutes on a Facebook newsfeed, or 30 minute face to face conversations with someone who needs Christ. I can tell myself that Facebook helps me keep up with what my friends around the world are doing. But is that really the tool I need? A speaker at a conference once said, “Discipline forms Reflex” In society people are being raised to be disciplined to social media and networking, but I have really reflected and discovered that I don’t want my life to be disciplined to the pattern of this world but to seeking God and his will for my life through any means possible.

Right now, I truly feel convicted in regards to spending time in the word of God. Meditating and Studying it. And although my spiritual discipline journey is quite a bit different than others, I sense the next four or five months to be an underwater diving into Christ and his word for me. I have a friend that I have spoken to about accountability in this area, and I am excited to see God use this discipline in my life. I am grateful for the network of great Christian friends I have around me to help spur me on to complete the race, and to continue to dare myself to do.

Fasting

Phew. This month has been so different than the previous two as far as spiritual disciplines are concerned!

I felt a small sense of relief when November arrived. Fasting was something tangible. I could actually make sure that I fasted as opposed to hopelessly trying to get my thoughts to settle and meditate on scripture each week. I thought the month would be fairly easy.

Was I ever wrong!!

My first day of fasting came with much anticipation. I was excited and packed my Bible and journal in my bag to make sure I used up any extra time in the word and in prayer. Yet, schedule changes made it so I had no time all day.

In the evening I was irritable and less patient with my husband. He asked if it had to do with my fasting. I broke down in tears. I said yes. My head hurt. I was hungry. And I didn't even get extra time in prayer and the scriptures.

I have had consistent issues with headaches in the past, so I've always used that as an excuse to avoid fasting. But, this month I wanted to tackle it. I knew it'd be difficult to make it through the day skipping two meals, but I thought it would be worth it.

However, as headaches have hit, I've begun to wonder what's the point? I've tried sticking to a strict fast, but have learned that maybe sticking to the letter of the law (once again!!) defeats the purpose of the spirit of the law. Maybe I could switch to a vegetables and water diet when I'm fasting? Maybe I could include soup once a day? Maybe, maybe, maybe. When these suggestions pop up, I inevitably feel like a failure. I feel that I've failed to "complete" the task at hand. I feel like I've shrunk away from the challenge and have instead opted for something easier.

And so defeat slinks in and I want to throw my hands up in the air and wonder why I fast at all!!

Yet, I want to continue to fast (admittedly, perhaps a variation of fasting). I believe I'll see changes in my spiritual life through the continual and consistent practice of fasting... not through a haphazard, once-in-a-blue-moon kind of way.

October - Evangelism

At the beginning of the month of October I knew my spiritual discipline was going to be Evangelism - but I had no idea what that was going to look like.

I decided that before I could preach the gospel to others I had to first preach it to myself. So everyday of the month I had decided to read an excerpt from "A Gospel Primer for Christians" - each day it re-iterates the gospel and explores different aspects of God's beautiful and glorious truth of salvation. Oh how blessed and undeserving we are of the good news of Jesus Christ!

Yet after the first week of October I started to grow frustrated with myself - how on earth was I going to start sharing the gospel with people other than myself. Since my dad's death I had not actively pushed myself to go out and share the gospel to the people around me - I felt overwhelmed not knowing where to start. Well prayer of course prayer is where you start - and boy did I start to see God at work!

To give you a background to this blog post: Two weeks after my dad's passing I had applied for a bursary for students studying to be in ministry/education. A month later I found out that I had received the bursary but not only that I found out the bursary had been started in memory of 3 member's of the McCullough family who had died in a car accident. Who but God would provide a bursary like this so soon after my dad's death also from a car accident?

Well early October I received an email from the church affiliated with the bursary asking me to share my story at their Sunday service on Oct.20th. I knew that this was God presenting an opportunity for me to share my story, give glory to God, and present the gospel. As I wrote my testimony I spent time going back through the horrible memories of my dad's death - emotions I had tried so hard to suppress came rushing forward, but I think in my brokeness God used me to write and share my story. That Sunday God gave me the opportunity to stand on the pulpit of a church that I don't even go to and share my brokeness, God's glory, and present the gospel to many of the people in that church who I knew did not know Christ - only God can orchestrate something like that!!

That night a dear friend of mine who does not know the Lord came to spend the night with me. She asked me how the service was and again I was able to share my story with her, and share the gospel with her.

It is only now as I look back on this month that I realize how God used me to share His Good News even though I had felt so useless and unable!

God is able!! I hope this encourages you when your month comes for evangelism!!
Blessings  <3

This month I am focusing on fasting. This is the spiritual discipline that I was least looking forward to. Food, and my desire for it, is one of those secret areas of my heart where only God really knows the struggle I have there. I've been on both ends of the spectrum: consistently turning to food in times of stress to feel some sort of an immediate comfort and numb the real problems, to calorie counting and being preoccupied with "healthiness" and gaining mastery over my comfort eating that way. I think the devil loves this area of my life because it's so subtle. Appearances wouldn't send off red flags to anyone that a problem exists: I've got a pretty average body size being neither overweight nor worryingly skinny. So this little struggle of mine can exist without anyone else suspecting it. And that's a dangerous starting point for me. Because if it were a sin that others could see... I'm certain I'd be a lot quicker and a lot more serious at wanting it gone. And I know that's a serious sin in itself... caring more about appearing godly before other people than fearing God and desiring to be made holy by Him inside and out. I've had periods of my life where I've struggled with it more than others; but its a recurring point of weakness. I've been so blatantly convicted many times when I have put my desire for food over something else God would have me be doing, and I've ignored Him with simple thoughts like, "There's nothing wrong with food", "I don't eat too much, so there's no problem here God, why are you bugging me about this", or I'll tell myself "You're just being a perfectionist, let it go" even when I know that still small voice saying, "Take a look at yourself. What is really Lord of your life right now?". It doesn't matter if I'm within the average weight category, it doesn't matter if I'm not eating any more or less than other women my age, it doesn't matter if I appear healthy, it doesn't matter if everyone else around me is preoccupied with eating, it doesn't matter if the food is free. None of that matters if God has spoken to my heart, asked me to do something, and I have ignored Him. And there have been times where I most certainly have.

I've fasted a handful of times throughout the last four years. I remember the first time I fasted. I didn't make me feel close to God but it did make me feel extremely aware of how far I am from Him. I spent the whole day just thinking about how hungry I was, trying not to think about how hungry I was, watching the clock to see how many hours had gone by. It was very humbling.  

At the start of this month, I used a concordance to look up passages in the bible that talk about fasting. Here are a few summarized: Isaiah 58 talks about true fasting not being a single period of "religiously" humbling yourself but a lifestyle of mercy, justice and love. In Matthew 6:16 Jesus warns not to fast for the appearance of godliness before others but to make it a secret thing between you and God. In Luke 18 fasting is used an an example in a parable of how it, in itself, does not make you righteous or pleasing to God. Matthew 4:2 says that Jesus fasted for 40 days and night before he began his ministry and that he was tempted by the devil when he was hungry and weak. In Acts 14:23 the apostles fasted and prayed when committing elders of the church to God.

This morning I listened to a sermon by James MacDonald entitled "The Discipline of Fasting". It was both convicting and reaffirming in many ways. Here are the main points that stood out to me.

• We have little hunger for God. We will rarely miss a meal but we frequently miss spiritual meals
• We only have so much hunger. We have a finite capacity to hunger for things to satisfy us so why after we expend so much energy on our appearance in the morning, our work throughout the day, our breakfast, lunch and dinner, our entertainment (TV, music, phones, facebook, etc.) do we wonder that we're not hungry for God at the end of the day?
•  Our enslavement to food hinders our hunger for God. My immense agitation when I fast for even small period of time proves the hold that food has on me.
• Fasting breaks our enslavement to food. It humbles us and shows us who we really are.

This is an area of my life that I have needed a lot of grace from God in and I know I will probably continue to need a lot of grace in. I am hoping that this month brings some healing and life and overcoming.